right now i canjust imagine joel, shivering and shaking woth bloodcoming through his nose and sicking blood up too, just like ben was the other day, laid in his hospital bed, with his huge fucking legs off the end of the bed and his eyes rolled backin his head. justlike tarek will have been at one point, i hate tahti never saw tarek in this state, i thanked god when i could be beside ben, i thanked god when the hospital let us take him out, i thanked god when he said ‘wait’ cause it was all he had said since he keeled over, but nowi’m cursing the bastard again, cause now joels there, and i can’t be with him, i don’t know if i’ll see him alive again, it’s like when tarek was in the hospital, he survived the first time, but i still didn’t see him alive, if joel survives i’m going to see him, i’m goign to gethis number off luke cause i have a new phone and don’t have his number, if joel doesn’t survive, fuck knows what i’ll do, i don’t think i’d be able to cope, with how jess makes me feel atm, and the second dead friend, at 15 years old, even though i specifacally tried to get out of this life style, fuck, my whole life is fucked man, i might just crawl into a corner, i have nothing else in this life any more, i have no money, no school, no gcse’s, no future, no friends, i think i don’t care about making m life good any more, i’m not gunna be able to make legal money any way, i’m gunna start shotting again, excepti’m not gunna tell any one, i’m gunna keep it low, but when i’ve finished this year, when i can leave and getmy own flat, and my own life and i don’t ever have to see any one thatreminds me of this life, i can start again and not rely on my mum for p’s, but for now i’m just gunna out up with allthe shit and take it as it comes, it doesn’t matter any more