March 2011
1 post
i don’t vent anymore
i dont talk, i don’t hurt myself, i don’t cry, i don’t care, i have no compassion for anything.
my mum said she wanted to start packing, i haven’t even unpacked yet, this is my home and i only ever seem to spend short periods of time here, i never feel safe or enclosed, i’m never cosy or content, i’m always on edge, it never feels...
December 2010
2 posts
Crashing back down
My nanans dying. I don’t know what to say, I just need q hug
FFS
i can’t even explain, i’m not angry, i’m sad, for the first time in so long.
if this house burnt down, i wouldn’t move, i’d sit here and write about it.
reuben said i should go to the doctors, i think that’s the 4th person to tell me to, so i guess i will.
i don’t want to.
i have this sound, resounding through my head, and it won’t go, and i know...
November 2010
2 posts
when the sky turns from black to dark blue
and it’s horrible, because i know i’m carrying this over into daytime, i’ve been awake with it all night and now it’s going to followmethrough the day, and all iwant to do is sleep, not be here but that’s the one thing i can’t so i just smoke spliff so i feel distant and it’s the closest i can get, until my dadwakes up for work andcan smell it,so he comes...
we'll get the one on chantrey.
we’ll save up our money until i’ve got my car sorted, and a bit extra, and we’ll go to london, we’ll get them published, get a flat down there and a job.
i know it’s risky for you, but me and you can cope, i don’t want to stay here, and i don’t want to leave without you, if itgoes too frank butcher, we can just drive home.
i know it’s scary but...
October 2010
4 posts
there's nothing going on with me?
what do you mean?
what's going on with me?
or does it not always mean me any more :L
i did it like you tonight.
help me
September 2010
7 posts
lonely.
too lonely to sleep.
sherwins fallen asleep, all the music what is coming on shuffle is pup, might put bed into settee and sit with ashtray and chain smoke listening to oasis.
the other day
we were talking and someone said oh yeh the whole worlds gunna blowup
andi thought ‘god i wish itwould’
and then i realized that was a bit wierd.like i don’t want to killmyself, never, i just want tostopexisting, like i never came here in the first place.
what?
no, i came cause i cared
i stayed cause i cared
i didn’t want to leave whilst he was still in that house because i cared,
i didn’t just want violence, i’m not even that keen on violence,infact i’d rather there be no violence.
i do want to help you!
why would i not want to help you?
my dad got me a counsillor.
i don’t even know why, i don’t need a counsillor.
it’s because i flipped out the other day and nearly killed tom, but counsillors are about depression i’m not depressed i just get angry.
i am her jaden
you know why?
because when i’m upset, she listens to me, she helps me through it.
when she’s upset she phones me and i help her, and it goes both ways.
when was the last time, you tried to help me? months, absolute months, i’m not gunna lie, you’ll always be above her, i’l always come to you first, but i don’t know why.
i felt so fucking usless
all i wanted to do was help and i just couldn’t, i’ve never not been able to help before, there was nothing i could do, at least nothing i could see i could do, and i know there was something i could, otherwise you wouldn’t of texted me, but i couldn’t see it, you should ofotldme, i feltlike a dude with no legs, you should of helped me help you,then i would of done.
...
August 2010
16 posts
why does that still scare me?
seriously?
why?
i don’t understand why.
my arm hurts.
i want to cry but i’m stopping myself, i don’t know why, i want you to help me, i want you to care,show that you care.
i feel like you don’t, i know for a fact you wouldn’t of come if jack was in sheffield, i’m only your 3rd option now.
you’re still the only person i can cry in front of, you’re still the only person i can turn to with my problems, i...
i wanna be alone but i don't
i got into my cave, closed the curtians locked the dor and hid under my blankets, but it doesn’t feel the same anymore, it’s been opened up, it doesn’t work like it did.
i don't know why you wouldn't' sit on my knee.
it’snot like it annoyedme i was just a bit confused.
good night though :).
i feel down, and i don't know why.
every now and then, i got this feeling, in my...
i'm quite glad you didn't find this then.
it would of been a bit awkward with the last few posts :L
it's not because it made me have feelings for you...
i just care, i’ve always cared.
don’t blank me
lonely.
i know it wasn’t me you wanted to fuck, and you were probably thinking about jack, and probably wish it never happened, but it did, and you’re still the only one who i can talk to, so don’t ignore me, i need you.
when i first kissed you, i thought i'd go insane...
i got annoyed at myself and punched the wall when you went out the room.
i think that's it, i feel happy.
well not happy, content.
i think it’s all i wanted, a real goodbye.
you seemed down when i left though, i don’t know if it’s my fault, probably.
if you find this, text me, i'm going away until...
he hugged valentine goodbye, he had no words for...
and taking nothing, apart from the half of valentines heart which he owned, and leaving half of his with her, he left, not another word. valentine held it until she heard the engine from the car speedoff down the road, to take ender, take him away, for maybe a few years, maybe for ever, only then, did she let out her cry, fell back againt the wall and let it all come out, nobody cared about her,...
i kinda hope you find it, i know you won't be...
but i won’t be able to write the same, fuck it it doesn’t really help anyway.
it’d be awkward though, because it’s like all about you.
my mum saw them
i told her i did it on the oven, it’s obvious it wasn’t done on the oven, i told rowan i was playing a game, he laughed and said he wanted a game, i couldn’t.
my blisters got pulled off today, it hurt, but the lines in between them are clearing up a bit, so it’s ok.
i hope it doesn’t scar, i can’t hide these like i am forever.
before when it was every few...
July 2010
2 posts
sat at the window smking a fag and sticking rizlas...
i’m sorry for everything i ever said.
my arm hurts.
i’m sat watching dirty dancing because i borrowed it from you,i was supposed to watch it with beth holland, but i’ve got to watch it.
i had to get your letter out last night, times were bad, it’s a good job i nearly know it off by heart, because it;s that covered in tears it’s hard to read.
i don’t like the way you’re confused, and i hate the way i can’t...
April 2010
2 posts
i read all the grr's.
i remembered the initial plan.
the initial plan failed. i knew it would.
my fucking fore arm hurts.
i forgot i’d burned it until i lent on it and now it’s just staying in pain.
big dirty great red mark.
i hate how everyone seems to come to me when they cut.
jess did, that hurt so much, and i used to try and turn away so i didn’t have to look at them, but they were always in...
i daren't even write it on here.
i told megan.
it’s weird megan knows things about me that jess doesn’t now.
i don’t think i could tell jess, i feel like a joke when i say it.
i am a joke, she were right.
February 2010
1 post
iwas watching tv downstairs earlier
so i’mlayed there, with this loooong coushin, hugging pretending it’s her, not you this time, it was her, ‘her’ is the code name foranother girl asof now.
and neither follow this blog any way so it doesn’t matter.
any way so yeah i’m layed there hugging it, and it has a crease and it’s like her nose against my nose, it’s so cute, it’s like...
November 2009
8 posts
imonmywaytobelieving:
sometimes i really really miss you. like, i went into my drawer last night and your t-shirt was there and i just burst into tears. i still haven’t taken your notes out of my planner or purse. i’ve just turned the one in my purse round so i can’t see it. it’s stupid, sometimes i just imagine being with you and it makes my heart just ache.
i guess i’m not as strong as i...
and when i was first in love with you, when very...
and shit
it was.
i want to get
lots of cd’s.
a car.
petrol.
and chase the rainbow, just keep on driving.
even this reminds me of you
when we were little before i knew you there was a rainbow and it looked like it went intoyour hosue because you could see it from my mums, so me and my dad walked up but it wasn’t there, so we just sat outside your house and ate our sandwhiches.
yes joe. i am crying. and yes, i do want you to...
ugh
and when people ring you up when you feel like...
i cannot be arsed with your petty games
i’ll fight you friday like you told my boys
i’ll win
you don’t need to ring me up to try and scareme, i aint scared and never will be
2
i still love you, i don't know why, all you've...
hurt me so much, but i still love you.
i always will
til the day i die
i go through a lot more shit than you know about.
than any one knows about.
August 2009
10 posts
right now i canjust imagine joel, shivering and shaking woth bloodcoming through his nose and sicking blood up too, just like ben was the other day, laid in his hospital bed, with his huge fucking legs off the end of the bed and his eyes rolled backin his head. justlike tarek will have been at one point, i hate tahti never saw tarek in this state, i thanked god when i could be beside ben, i...
i can't do with 2 dead friends, not at 15, please...
i hate it when you rub things in my face whatwill...
i hate it when you don't trust me.
that one is my own fault, but youknow i won’t ever do anything like taht ever again and you know it, and you know it meant nothing, i wuould so much rather youkissed someone than fall in love with them
i hate the way you make me look like a complete...